There was a time one of my friends asking me about studying abroad. What he said seen didn't mean anything but, to me, it looks like a thorn on my back. Keep bother my a long time though.
I've kept asking myself the same question all the time. And thinking what kind of world and life that friend and their "kind" are living in! To them, It seems never a problem go studying abroad. It's just a matter of your "need." Indeed, there isn't any problem in studying abroad. It's just...why I am going through is being questioned about NOT going abroad! Especially the kind of "good" student that others might see me as. But it's an awkward and practical question to either ask or answer.
It's a weir merit if one hasn't been studying abroad one would be incapable to either speak or teach good English. Even my students are going abroad on every vacation and holiday! It's...actually not bad! Frankly, It's really good for them. Yet the problem is--if one cannot go...economically incapable... is that bad?
It seems I AM and will be stuck in the place for good!
But the thing is when everyone is discussing about how they are going to study abroad in one place and constantly look back to me at the same time, then turn away back to their topics. How or what will you feel like? I don't quite know and would never want to!
It's a feeling of being different. Not only indifferent but different!
However, when people are talking about how their life sucks or what they dream about a better life than ever, I feel... totally satisfied. I know I may be too easy to be pleased or "desireless." But I AM actually happy with the life I have now! It seen I draw a circle and have myself living in it. Away from the outer world. But I still feel free living in my cage! Don't care whether this would scare off some other guys or employers. Put aside jobs and relationship. Just keep living in a Dalloway's/ Woolf's world. Madly in my writings. Looking out the window, as if I would never going to miss the azure, soothy sky at all!
What is the world they are living in? What is the like people have? I'm kinda know something about it, eventually! But back to my attic, I am my mad man. Yes! It's not woman's privilege to be mad in the attic, NOT ANY MORE!
I am a man with a different life in a different world? Totally exclusive from the world we see and know. Different from any living thing! It's more like their world than mine. Heaven or hell, it's all in the same world! it's around us. "The world behind the wall." Even it's just few centimeters away, there could be heaven on one side and hell on the other! I would never understand their world just like they can't realized mine. Like David in "North to Freedom," It's hard for people like him to get into a ordinary and peaceful life out there from the camp! People won't believe his story just like he couldn't know how to say it either. People never know what kind of life it's like. They rather regard it as some stories like fairy tales or even anecdotes. A story you would talk about it on the dinner table and cast it behind right after the meal no matter how sad or how fun it was. But to those who living in it, it would haunted them for the rest of their life!
Therefore, They rather just lock it deeply in their heart then buried with them, rotted with them, then perished.
The only thing one can tell is the deepest eyes looking at nowhere, once you catch it, there's no way out but being devoured into an endless, enormous abyss...