pathetic miserable

in few days ago along past years, i always thought someday i would and will get through all of such pain and desperation... the fact is i can't...
i always thought that i was though and strong yet the truth shows in my heart can never be ever clear...
i am lost and totally lost my way. in my world i even not knowing who i am. sometimes, i did feel that i was quit fullfill with all these experiences and harms yet the wounds remind me all the time like arthritis that hurt everytime i saw the full happiness of others. life is full of unfairness that is quit true. how come people like tinfany shall suffer like sinner yet other evil omes enjoy their life in richness either in material or mental happiness. Shall i return to my old time's will to commit suicide in vengence of my parents and family? Should I have done this to avoid another? to avoid or excapt the long lasting ever suffering through my life and end in such pathetic loneyness. My heart suddenly gone whole empty... i'm not already myself... i don't even know myself... just get lost in my ever labyrinth... in searching of my lifecompaion that doesn't even exist i suppose.
i need air to breathe. so that i can put my mask back continuing my faker life. fake laughing, fake smile, fake welcomes....so on and on and on....till the end of time.